STORE SCUM

To me "customer" is a bad word. If I could go the rest of my life without having to wait while some soccer mom haggles over the price while her annoying brood hold a contest to see who can scream the loudest and most blood-curdling -- If I could go the rest of my life without waiting for some inconsiderate asshole to finish balancing their checkbook at the checkout line -- If I could go the rest of my life without waiting for some ancient person to finish buying a year's worth of cat food with seemingly nothing but coupons -- If I could go the rest of my life without having to squeeze around some fat fuck who left their cart in the MIDDLE of the GODDAMN AISLE -- but I can't.

The Lazy Man's Nefarious Plan

Step One: Let everyone know you have a nefarious plan.

Step Two: Don't have any plan. Sit back and do nothing.

Step Three: Every so often, as events take their course, cryptically comment that everything is going according to plan.

Church!

There's people that actually, honestly believe there is a fairy-tale magic man with a beard in the sky watching their every move, and that if they don't all come together in a room once a week and let some guy read to them out of a book that's so old people didn't even know the world was round when it was written; that unless they pretend not to be bored during this weekly reading, that the magic beard man will throw them into flames FOREVER. Quaint, no?

The Other End Of History

Finally, as far as all of this goes -- the world affairs, the religious disputes, the toils of mankind at this day and age -- as far as all that, we are so early in the era of human history and development that the time will come that everything that is happening today will be as relevant and consequential as the tribulations of the early Cro-Magnons are to us now. And since all of time is happening at once, if these events WILL BE irrelevant SOME DAY, that day is now. They are completely irrelevant.

Many will listen, but few will hear.

People Are Morons

People are morons. It's pretty amazing that we're as smart as we are in comparison to other animals, true, but mostly it's frustrating that we're just smart enough to see that we're not smart enough. If people weren't morons, they wouldn't need to invent religions to keep themselves organized. If people weren't morons, they wouldn't need to invent governments and laws to keep them from raping and robbing one another. When you look at us as really clever chimps in clothes, our accomplishments are quaint and impressive. When you look at us as, quite possibly, the highest developed manifestation of intelligence in the universe, suddenly you get depressed. The next step is to invent a god that's smarter than you, so you don't have to be depressed anymore. And it all starts again....

I Don't Want To Hear About Your Fucking Kids

Stop acting like reproducing is some major achievement or accomplishment. It's not. It's a biological process, built in through billions of years of evolution. You yourself had barely anything to do with it. Hey, do you know what else is capable of reproducing its' species? EVERY OTHER FORM OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET. They ALL reproduce. Earthworms reproduce. Goldfish reproduce. Dogs reproduce... or they would, except we keep neutering them.

The Human Mind

Some people will kill for money.
Humans created money.
The human mind that is capable of creating money is more valuable than any sum of money can be.
Some people will kill for their country.
Humans created countries.
The human mind that is capable of creating countries is more valuable than any country can be.

On Current Events

I was going to write about how disappointed I was that Obama caved and produced his birth certificate. Stooping to enter an argument that is so ridiculous with people that dumb, even when you win, you lose. But before I could get off my procastination platform the news overtook my social commentary. We killed Osama bin Laden!

And by we, I mean, the United States military. Personally I had nothing to do with it. But still, what a win! Except, wait, the war's still going on. But anyway, forget that for a moment. What a great day to be an American! That man was a monster and committed atrocities. Except, oh, yeah, we armed and funded and trained him and set him loose on the world. But besides that, isn't it a proud moment that we... well, we could have brought him into custody and held him on trial for war crimes or whatever, and then executed him like what happened to Saddam Hussein. But instead we shot him in the head and dumped him in the ocean. Because THAT isn't exactly the same way they killed Jason Voorhees for like ten movies. So probably Osama is dead now. We identified him by DNA evidence. And then dumped him in the ocean.

So that in a few months, or whenever, when they need a bogeyman to keep the war going and fuel the military-industrial complex's fat coffers, they can trot Osama out again and claim he wasn't actually --

(Sounds of forced entry, scuffle and struggle.)

-- like I was saying, the royal wedding. Wasn't it like a REAL-LIFE FAIRY TALE?

The Political Spectrum Is A Polite Fiction

I always get very suspicious when people say "liberal this" or "conservative that" when both positions, politically and philosophically, are utterly fucking retarded. Liberals say everyone should be free to choose, but then they want to make you wear a bike helmet. Conservatives say they want less government, until gays want to get married, then they want laws against it. I don't think either side actually believes what they claim they believe. I think it is ancient primate clique-ish behavior with a new paint job so we can pretend we're not still chimps throwing shit at one another. So we can pretend we're civilized. I swear to god anarchy sounds better and better every day.

I Don't Trust Religion

I don't trust religion, in the sense of "moral and spiritual codes imposed on me by other people." I don't trust people, and I don't trust the codes they follow and are attempting to impose on me. I don't trust that they have any knowledge of a higher power or a greater force or an advanced intelligence, and I certainly don't trust that the codes that they follow and are attempting to impose on me are derived from these higher powers or greater forces or advanced intelligences.

As near as I can tell the chief function of religion is to sever the individual from their own internal and personal sense of spirituality and replace it with mechanical codes of behavior and the old primate dominance-submission games, the better to turn a never-ending series of wild, anarchic, more-unique-than-snowflakes individuals into drones and interchangeable parts -- insects, essentially -- the better to set them in motion as the great machine Society.

But we are not insects. We are individuals. I don't trust any religion that is not personal.

Me And Food

My mom became diabetic when I was like five or so, so all of a sudden
all the house foods became super boring. Like, Honey Nut Cheerios was the wildest cereal we ever got. Oh, and Cinnamon Life -- both of which I like, but I never got to have the kids-eating-awful-kid-cereal-when-they're-kids experience. We got like Total and shit. And Common Sense Oat Bran, which looked and tasted like twigs from the backyard. Mmmmmmm. Then I got put on the intestinal colic diet, and then on the low cholesterol diet, and each time the food got even more boring. I reacted by, the moment I hit 18 and started buying my own food, descending into a never-ending spiral of beef jerky and Froot Loops.

I did it in reverse: everyone else got to eat nasty disgusting but fun foods when they were kids, then they grow up and start going on the Atkins diet or whatever. I on the other hand had a very healthy childhood, but will spend the rest of my life eating junk. Which will undoubtedly shorten "the rest of my life," but fuck it, who wants to eat fucking Total cereal? And drink diet soda? When I go diabetic, I will lapse peacefully into a coma... PULL THE PLUG!

RETAIL (a quick sociological breakdown)

Fucking retail. It pays like four bucks an hour and is thankless work for people who get treated as sub-human by helpless and rude people all day. So, the only kind of workers it gets are:

A) high school kids on their way to (maybe) something better

B) people who have some talent or skill or intelligence but are held back by personal demons or poor life choices or some form of mental or emotional illness

C) utter fucking morons that literally can't do anything else EVEN MORE than they can't do retail competently.

And that's it.

COLUMBUS CAN EAT A DICK

Fuck Columbus. The dude deserves zero accolades. ZERO! Leave it to the fucking Catholics to ram this asshole down everyone's throats, if I may mix metaphors for a moment.

I mean, everything they teach you about this guy is a lie. It's not that he was the only one that thought the world was round and everyone else thought it was flat... EVERYONE KNEW THE WORLD WAS ROUND! Since like the ancient Greeks! And okay, some people probably still thought it was flat, so what? Some people today do too -- look up the "Flat Earth Society" and see what I mean.

What Columbus thought, and what he was terribly wrong about, was that the Earth was much smaller than it was -- and being so small, that it was therefore feasible to sail ALL THE WAY AROUND THE GLOBE to get to Asia. Which, it was not. Everyone said, "No, don't do it, the Earth's bigger than you think, you'll get lost in the huge ocean." And indeed, if he hadn't hit this general landmass -- WHOLLY BY LUCK -- he would probably still be floating around somewhere with the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa fucking María.

So the guy has one bright idea that he is completely wrong about, cons the one royal family who will listen to his madness into giving him ships, stumbles by dumb luck across the New World -- and immediately? Immediately? HE BEGINS WIPING OUT AND ENSLAVING THE LOCAL POPULATION. Like, I'm not even sure he waited until the next day.

This man, this Christopher Columbus, did NOTHING that deserves merit and much that deserves scorn, or at least to be seen as an example of what NOT to do. Eat a dick, Columbus.

Anarchism In Text And Action

Verbatim from a recent text message exchange:

Anyway grandma I thought you would appreciate a reason to drive even slower than usual

Drive slower? I go up to 7 over the limit. Dont have mommy and daddy to bail me out when i get tickets
Served
With a radish on top

Fuck that
I pay my own tickets
When they take my license i drive anyway
Because fuck them
And fuck you

Thats awesome. First they take the license, then they cancel insurance (cant have one without the other), the they impound your car. Have fun with that while making a "point"

Weak
I have had license suspended twice
Kept driving like nothing
And
I was uninsured for like a year
Nothing happened
No one punished me
The sky didn't open up and rain policemen and jail cells on me
So basically
Eat my ass with a radish you troll
Taking the "laws" seriously
How's that working out, felon? Maybe you should be more like me....

On The Subconscious (Another Excerpt From "Things I Have Learned")

Unconsciousness is your mind on standby mode. Most external input is disabled or turned down really low. But you never stop thinking. Or rather, the thought processes keeps going on, but at some point there just stops being a “you” that’s thinking it. I would imagine dreams then as quite likely the ego’s attempt to exert some sort of narrative control over the stream of white noise think-babbling, dropping a protagonist into the back alleys of the subconscious. And really, who the hell knows what’s there? The subconscious is the “wrong side of the tracks” of the mind, where the unseen workers live in tenement buildings, and in every dark alleyway is some cold, unemployed old subroutine or memory just waiting to pounce on a hapless ego to vent its frustrations.

Or, less dramatically, dreams are quite likely the equivalent of the songs you might hear in your head when there’s white noise (like a window fan or TV static) playing. Significantly, this white noise effect most often happens while you are falling asleep, as if your mind’s ability to transform noise into signal increases as consciousness loses its control. A good image: the trains of thought running amok when the conductor (consciousness) passes out on the controls. Or, another view of the subconscious: the subconscious is like the Windows 3 \WINDOWS\ directory, where every file needed by every program ever run on that system collected. These files would stay on after the programs are no longer installed, obsolete leaves in a forest of possibly-relevant files. Every so often Windows users would simply have to reinstall the operating system and start fresh because the \WINDOWS\ directory became too bogged down by useless files. I wonder what the equivalent for re-installing your subconscious would be?

Catholicism Is Laaaaaame

The Vatican sits on zillions of $$$ worth of art treasures and shit. Jesus said to give away all your possessions. And that, right there, is what I think about the Catholics -- they don't even follow the guy they follow. And like, okay, I don't follow Jesus's every teaching either. But-- I am a flawed human who sees him as merely a teacher to attempt to follow, and I understand that I will sometimes fail or disagree. I don't see him as, you know, THE LITERAL PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE HERE ON THIS EARTH TO TELL US HOW IT IS. So I am okay to not follow his every word. If I actually believed that he was LITERALLY A GOD? I would HANG ON HIS EVERY FUCKING SYLLABLE. And if GOD, the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, told me to give away all my possessions, fuck yeah I would! I would do EXACTLY what God wanted me to do to get me into heaven! Now since I don't believe in any of that stuff except as metaphors I am free to pick and choose and try and fail. I don't have a code provided for me from an external source. These lames think they have the code -- AND THEN THEY IGNORE IT. Lame!

A Rhyme I Came Up With In The Shower Just Now

Kill my brain with chronic
Get a low I.Q.
Then, when I'm moronic
I'll be so like you...

Where No Law Is

"For where no law is, there is no transgression"
(Romans 4:15)
Words on paper exist. People in blue uniforms with guns and truncheons and cars with flashing lights exist. People in black robes with funny little wooden mallets exist. Cages exist.

If you do not follow the words on the paper, someone with a blue uniform will take you, in their flashing light car, to put you in a cage until someone with a black robe figures out what to do with you.

And yet I say to you, that law does not exist.

Nuns Are Crap

Nuns are crap.

I'm just going to pause and let you digest that. I can hear your brain cells -- both of them -- starting to rub against one another and create the thought of protest or outrage. Kindly leave such thoughts to yourself and hear me out.

I realize we've all of us, in this culture -- and not just the Catholics, neither -- been programmed to think of nuns as being somehow better human beings or something. It's never something that's put in words exactly but it is definitely something we wind up internalizing somewhere along the way.

And why? Nuns are like the most worthless people on the planet. They provide nothing, they create nothing, they contribute nothing. They pay no taxes. Their life-giving wombs are denied use by their vows of chastity so they don't even manage to put new humans here. Nothing. They just wear their funny outfits and they believe their quaint myths and they expect the rest of us to treat them as special because they took some vows to their made up god and dress up like penguins.

Anyone else was such a gigantic waste of space and resources and air and they would be seen as dead beat degenerate scum, it's not even a question. But all of a sudden they're part of some freaky cult and it's okay?

Nuns are crap. That's my word.

A Degenerate Rush (2003)

Have enough and soon it shifts to absurd
Senses drift and merge
I guess it's best to rest a bit
Repetitious
Reminiscent
of a record skip
Deja vu jackhammer
Happened all before
Then the narrative is lost in the roar
Come to sprawled across the floor
And that's end of the trip

A Mad Bastard Language: My Love For English

English is a crazy language, but I love it.

It's a mad bastard language; a cobbling together of Germanic Anglo-Saxon syntax as a skeleton but with vocabulary from EVERYWHERE. Mostly the words were stolen from various Romance languages but English words literally come from all over. So there's no standardized phonetic spelling, half the verbs are conjugated irregularly, and because of its rich heritage and theft of other languages there are like eighteen terms for any one concept and it's hard to express the differences. Or there's a word like "set" that seriously means like 47 different things depending on the context it is used in.

There's simply no other language like it. There's others that are perhaps equally mad in their own right, but none mad the way that English is mad. English is mad like some patchwork Frankenstein monster that is at the same time beautiful and vulgar.

Also? I love English because English was the language of a forgotten, beaten and defeated people. So downtrodden that the Anglo-Saxon terms for simple bodily functions were deemed "bad" words (fuck, shit, piss) while their Latin-based counterparts (fornicate, defecate, urinate) were made acceptable. The English people at one point were ruled by people that spoke French. The English king didn't even speak English. That's low.

Today? EVERYONE speaks English. Or thinks they do. So all the haters back then AND now can eat a dick. Or, if that's bad words, "consume a phallus."

Violence Is Not The Answer

An act of violence creates a situation for which the easiest, most natural, and most often response is another act of violence. But two wrongs do not make a right. One and one do not make zero, they make two. The responding act of violence also creates a situation for which the easiest, most natural, and most often response is yet another act of violence. Which would itself in turn create a situation for which the easiest most natural dot dot dot. You have probably heard of this looping dance of action and reaction before. It is called "the cycle of violence." The inevitable outcome of the cycle of violence, carried through to its logical conclusion, is violence for all. Maximum destruction with minimum creation. It's what Gandhi foresaw when he said that an eye for an eye would leave everyone blind. The only way to end this cycle is to absorb it when it comes your way and not pass it along further. When someone slaps your cheek, turn to them your other cheek as well. That's a pretty bold concept. So bold that when Jesus tried to tell everyone about it back in the day, they responded... with violence. Forgive them for they know not what they do, and try not to add to the mess. Violence is not the answer.