Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Bit About The Government
Everyone is born with a certain measure of personal power. Most people, cowed with fear of death (which comes anyway) opt to give up their power to the nearest armed and charismatic "leader." Enough people do this and something like "government" seems to emerge.
Every Story Is Not A Love Story
I hate how Hollywood always seems to add a stupid love angle to every single movie they make, as if every event that happens in someone's life that's memorable or worth telling has to revolve around some mating rituals. Like that's the only story there is. I mean, I appreciate pair-bonding as much as the next domesticated primate, but come on. Every story is not a love story. That's ridiculous.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The Gluurg Conjectures
It's like this. Every time some true believer makes a statement about God, replace "God" with "Gluurg" and see if it still sounds reasonable or if it sounds nuts:
- Gluurg is the uncaused cause.
- Gluurg moves in mysterious ways.
- Gluurg is love.
- Gluurg knows all, and sees all.
- Gluurg is infinitely merciful and infinitely just.
- Gluurg created the heavens and the earth in six days.
- Gluurg exists outside of time and space.
- Gluurg is transcendent and immanent in all things.
- It's in the Bible, Gluurg said it, that settles it.
This was the whole point of Gluurg. "Gluurg" is a syllable the same way "god" is. It is an accident of history and culture that the single syllable we use to express the concept of deity is "god" rather than "gluurg." So why would one syllable make for statements that sound credible to most of the populace, and the other one take on a completely different connotation?
(pictured: "Gluurg" by the author, 2002)
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Random Drug Memories
So I ate an entire bag of mushrooms, and I spent hours seeing paisley patterns emerging apparent from the background. And it made me realize, this is why the hippies were putting paisley on everything in the 60s, they must have been seeing these same patterns when THEY were tripping. Oh god, they know, they know, I don't want to die, I'm not ready, oh god I'm going to die... So then what IS that pattern and why would it emerge independently under the same chemical stimulus?
Took DXM in pill form. Robo-tripping without having to actually down any cough syrup. Just remember sobbing. Passion by Peter Gabriel was playing. I was sobbing. I don't remember vomiting but I remember that I did.
One time I smoked some PCP and I watched A Fistful Of Dollars. Or was it For A Few Dollars More? Every time I tell this story the movie changes. Anyway, the thing I found most interesting about PCP was how overrated it was. Every time you hear the story about PCP it's like, "Man on PCP kills ENTIRE FAMILY!" "He tore out their eyes with a plastic spork!" "The cops kept pumping bullets into him and he just kept coming at them!" And when I smoked PCP? It changed my thought patterns a little. Or a lot. Hard to say. I just remember this one time, watching the movie, and I was thinking of these lizards, emerging from the mud like a Claymation version of Escher, emerging from the mud and building cities.
Two words: Seroquel. Dreams.
I was getting teeth pulled. Wisdom teeth, maybe? No, couldn't have been, that was years earlier. Doesn't matter. Anyway, they knocked me out for it and when I woke up, the first thing I said was, "I've figured everything out!" The worst thing is, I'm sure that I had.
The first time I really got high, I mean REALLY got high, was pretty late in life. I'd just gone through some pretty traumatic, life-altering times and all of a sudden there's drugs right there in front of me. Call it cliche, but call it cliche while you're blowing me. And so I was really high, and I was TERRIFIED. Nothing made sense, and I couldn't connect one moment to the next. Things were happening and I couldn't narratize them or place them in context. Maybe I'm still there now.
Took DXM in pill form. Robo-tripping without having to actually down any cough syrup. Just remember sobbing. Passion by Peter Gabriel was playing. I was sobbing. I don't remember vomiting but I remember that I did.
One time I smoked some PCP and I watched A Fistful Of Dollars. Or was it For A Few Dollars More? Every time I tell this story the movie changes. Anyway, the thing I found most interesting about PCP was how overrated it was. Every time you hear the story about PCP it's like, "Man on PCP kills ENTIRE FAMILY!" "He tore out their eyes with a plastic spork!" "The cops kept pumping bullets into him and he just kept coming at them!" And when I smoked PCP? It changed my thought patterns a little. Or a lot. Hard to say. I just remember this one time, watching the movie, and I was thinking of these lizards, emerging from the mud like a Claymation version of Escher, emerging from the mud and building cities.
Two words: Seroquel. Dreams.
I was getting teeth pulled. Wisdom teeth, maybe? No, couldn't have been, that was years earlier. Doesn't matter. Anyway, they knocked me out for it and when I woke up, the first thing I said was, "I've figured everything out!" The worst thing is, I'm sure that I had.
The first time I really got high, I mean REALLY got high, was pretty late in life. I'd just gone through some pretty traumatic, life-altering times and all of a sudden there's drugs right there in front of me. Call it cliche, but call it cliche while you're blowing me. And so I was really high, and I was TERRIFIED. Nothing made sense, and I couldn't connect one moment to the next. Things were happening and I couldn't narratize them or place them in context. Maybe I'm still there now.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The Bit About Cyber Monday
"Cyber Monday" has got to seriously be like the dumbest fucking name ever. I mean, at least Black Friday SOUNDS cool. And why? Because EVERYTHING sounds cool if you put "black" in front of it. Black sun. Black hole. Black lung. Black death. Black plague. Black magic. Black cloud. Whereas NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING sounds cool with "cyber" in front of it. Was I the only one paying attention during the 1990s?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Com'st' Thou To Beard Me In Denmark?: Facial Hair And The Tragedy Of Hamlet
Continuing in the mission of shining the light of day on EVERY half passable piece I ever wrote, here's one I did for an English class all the way back in 1998:
Insanity is a very hard label to pin on someone; no two people can totally agree on what its parameters are. Moreover, someone can be insane in one aspect yet totally sane in others -- what than is this person, mad or not? Thus, it is of course impossible to with any certainty decide whether or not Hamlet, the main character of William Shakespeare’s famous The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark is mad. A character as complex as Hamlet’s would be difficult to correctly diagnose in a person-to-person analysis, let alone through the filter of a play written about him.
However, impossible to ascertain or not, it is my contention that Hamlet did indeed go mad, or at least delusional, for a short period of time, as the result of sudden and extreme psychological stress in his life. Why do I feel that this is the case? For numerous reasons, as all supported throughout the text.
For one, Hamlet’s mood changes abruptly throughout the course of the play. His behavior throughout the play, especially towards Ophelia, is exceptionally erratic. He claims to be the only one who truly loved Ophelia, during the fight with Laertes in her grave (I.ii.216-218), but he tells Ophelia herself that he never loved her, when she returns his letters (II.iii.116). Also, on the subject of the fight with Laertes in the grave, Hamlet instigates the fight because Laertes said none loved Ophelia more than he, which Hamlet disagreed with. As quantitative love is a purely subjective matter, this is hardly grounds for a quarrel, at least not in the judgment of a sane person. But in my opinion the strongest evidence of Hamlet’s growing insanity is in Act III, scene iv. First, in what he later admits to be a state of madness, (V.ii.197) he kills Polonius, thinking him to be the King Claudius, and when he discovers his mistake, shows little remorse. Even worse, while conversing with his mother, he sees again the vision of his father’s ghost. Now, every other time the ghost has appeared, others have seen it as well (I.i, I.iv). However, in his mother’s room, he is the only one to see it. Is it possible that Hamlet is by this point mad, and is merely hallucinating the apparition? In of itself, this instance could be interpreted numerous ways. But when weighed with other evidence, this is indeed clear proof of Hamlet’s derangement.
So, Hamlet is insane, if only temporarily. Why than is he insane? Numerous reasons can be cited as possible cause. The sudden death of his beloved father, King Hamlet, followed soon after by the marriage of his mother to his uncle. This makes Hamlet uncomfortable, and his only escape, his school at Wittenberg, is denied him. Which is followed soon after by the appearance of his father’s ghost, who tells Hamlet of the treachery surrounding the King’s death, and sets Hamlet on his course of vengeance, which makes Hamlet paranoid and trusting of no one. This in turn makes Hamlet decide to pretend to be mad, in an effort to properly exercise his revenge; and when one acts mad, one often finds themselves becoming that which they pretend to be. Hamlet’s girlfriend Ophelia suddenly spurning and ignoring him must have been another blow to his psyche as well. Finally, on top of all of this, there is the threat of war with Norway.
I believe these elements all were indeed factors in Hamlet’s temporary loss of reason. However, I do not believe that even this series of traumatic events could have felled the mind of a man as grounded as Hamlet were it not for some other, deeper factor. And that factor is this: facial hair. I believe that Hamlet the play is infused with the subtext of Hamlet’s desire for a better beard.
That Hamlet thinks beards are an important aspect of a man’s character is undeniable. In his soliloquy in Act II, scene ii, lines 474-533, in which he berates himself for his inability to express his emotion, he says "Am I a coward? Who calls me villain? … Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face? (lines 497-499)" The implication here is that his beard is being plucked, metaphorically, because his cowardice makes him unworthy of having a beard. Plus, when Polonius demonstrates cretinous behavior by complaining about they player’s speech in the same scene (line 434), Hamlet responds by saying "It shall to the barber's, with your beard." In other words, cretins such as Polonius aren’t worthy of their beards.
Looking closer, we see Hamlet as a man obsessed with beards. When told of his father’s ghost’s appearance, practically the first question he asks about the ghost is "His beard was grizzled- no? (I.ii.240)" He obviously had great veneration for his father, and the good king’s beard, surely a majestic and regal one. When King Hamlet died, there was an immense beard gap in Elsinore, one hardly filled by the loathsome Claudius or the youthful Hamlet. Thus, the greatest beard in Elsinore now unfortunately goes to the King’s counselor, Polonius, a "tedious old fool" in Hamlet’s estimation (II.ii.211). When the ghost appears to him, it only reminds Hamlet that a great beard is gone, and the present King’s is no match, nor is Hamlet’s. This unsettles Hamlet to the point where all he can think about is beards. He thinks that Ophelia is spurning him because of his beard’s inferiority to her father Polonius’s, in of itself an upsetting notion. Also, in his talk with his mother (III.iv), Hamlet shows his mother pictures of the brothers Hamlet and Claudius. Why else but to compare King Hamlet’s regal beard, "A sable silver'd (I.ii.241)," with Claudius’s lesser one, "..like a mildewed ear… (III.iv.64)."
Amid all the other stress in his life to this date, the pressure to have a good beard and live up to his father’s is great. He cracks under the stress. Why would he pretend to be insane to find his father’s killer? How would that help? No, he tells Horatio that he is going to feign an "antic disposition, (I.iv.172)" and convinces himself that he is merely pretending to be mad, to cover up for the fact that he obviously is going insane from the stress to grow a better beard than he is currently able to. Horatio notices it early on, referring to Hamlet as speaking "wild and whirling words (I.v.133)." In pretending to be mad, Hamlet slowly does go mad, culminating in the murder of Polonius. However, Hamlet becomes more or less totally sane again after his return from England — it follows that with Polonius dead, Hamlet has the best beard in Elsinore, thus making him able to live up to his father’s bearded legacy. The stress to have the best beard has been lifted off of Hamlet’s over-burdened shoulders, and his reason returns.
Alas, it is too late for Hamlet. By the time his much-vaunted bearded status comes, he is already soon to be a victim of the plot machinery his madness helped set in motion. He dies, and in his dying breath tells Horatio that the crown is to go to the Norwegian Prince Fortinbras. Thus, Fortinbras must have had a pretty impressive beard as well, which Fortinbras himself remarks upon, citing it as his right to the throne of Denmark. "I have some rights of memory in this kingdom, Which now to claim my vantage doth invite me (V.ii.354-355)."
The beard has long been associated with masculinity; as only the males of a species can achieve one. The pressure in a male-dominated society to prove one’s manhood is great indeed. However, besides Hamlet I can think of no great works of literature in which the fatal flaw of weak facial hair plays so central of a role.
Insanity is a very hard label to pin on someone; no two people can totally agree on what its parameters are. Moreover, someone can be insane in one aspect yet totally sane in others -- what than is this person, mad or not? Thus, it is of course impossible to with any certainty decide whether or not Hamlet, the main character of William Shakespeare’s famous The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark is mad. A character as complex as Hamlet’s would be difficult to correctly diagnose in a person-to-person analysis, let alone through the filter of a play written about him.
However, impossible to ascertain or not, it is my contention that Hamlet did indeed go mad, or at least delusional, for a short period of time, as the result of sudden and extreme psychological stress in his life. Why do I feel that this is the case? For numerous reasons, as all supported throughout the text.
For one, Hamlet’s mood changes abruptly throughout the course of the play. His behavior throughout the play, especially towards Ophelia, is exceptionally erratic. He claims to be the only one who truly loved Ophelia, during the fight with Laertes in her grave (I.ii.216-218), but he tells Ophelia herself that he never loved her, when she returns his letters (II.iii.116). Also, on the subject of the fight with Laertes in the grave, Hamlet instigates the fight because Laertes said none loved Ophelia more than he, which Hamlet disagreed with. As quantitative love is a purely subjective matter, this is hardly grounds for a quarrel, at least not in the judgment of a sane person. But in my opinion the strongest evidence of Hamlet’s growing insanity is in Act III, scene iv. First, in what he later admits to be a state of madness, (V.ii.197) he kills Polonius, thinking him to be the King Claudius, and when he discovers his mistake, shows little remorse. Even worse, while conversing with his mother, he sees again the vision of his father’s ghost. Now, every other time the ghost has appeared, others have seen it as well (I.i, I.iv). However, in his mother’s room, he is the only one to see it. Is it possible that Hamlet is by this point mad, and is merely hallucinating the apparition? In of itself, this instance could be interpreted numerous ways. But when weighed with other evidence, this is indeed clear proof of Hamlet’s derangement.
So, Hamlet is insane, if only temporarily. Why than is he insane? Numerous reasons can be cited as possible cause. The sudden death of his beloved father, King Hamlet, followed soon after by the marriage of his mother to his uncle. This makes Hamlet uncomfortable, and his only escape, his school at Wittenberg, is denied him. Which is followed soon after by the appearance of his father’s ghost, who tells Hamlet of the treachery surrounding the King’s death, and sets Hamlet on his course of vengeance, which makes Hamlet paranoid and trusting of no one. This in turn makes Hamlet decide to pretend to be mad, in an effort to properly exercise his revenge; and when one acts mad, one often finds themselves becoming that which they pretend to be. Hamlet’s girlfriend Ophelia suddenly spurning and ignoring him must have been another blow to his psyche as well. Finally, on top of all of this, there is the threat of war with Norway.
I believe these elements all were indeed factors in Hamlet’s temporary loss of reason. However, I do not believe that even this series of traumatic events could have felled the mind of a man as grounded as Hamlet were it not for some other, deeper factor. And that factor is this: facial hair. I believe that Hamlet the play is infused with the subtext of Hamlet’s desire for a better beard.
That Hamlet thinks beards are an important aspect of a man’s character is undeniable. In his soliloquy in Act II, scene ii, lines 474-533, in which he berates himself for his inability to express his emotion, he says "Am I a coward? Who calls me villain? … Plucks off my beard and blows it in my face? (lines 497-499)" The implication here is that his beard is being plucked, metaphorically, because his cowardice makes him unworthy of having a beard. Plus, when Polonius demonstrates cretinous behavior by complaining about they player’s speech in the same scene (line 434), Hamlet responds by saying "It shall to the barber's, with your beard." In other words, cretins such as Polonius aren’t worthy of their beards.
Looking closer, we see Hamlet as a man obsessed with beards. When told of his father’s ghost’s appearance, practically the first question he asks about the ghost is "His beard was grizzled- no? (I.ii.240)" He obviously had great veneration for his father, and the good king’s beard, surely a majestic and regal one. When King Hamlet died, there was an immense beard gap in Elsinore, one hardly filled by the loathsome Claudius or the youthful Hamlet. Thus, the greatest beard in Elsinore now unfortunately goes to the King’s counselor, Polonius, a "tedious old fool" in Hamlet’s estimation (II.ii.211). When the ghost appears to him, it only reminds Hamlet that a great beard is gone, and the present King’s is no match, nor is Hamlet’s. This unsettles Hamlet to the point where all he can think about is beards. He thinks that Ophelia is spurning him because of his beard’s inferiority to her father Polonius’s, in of itself an upsetting notion. Also, in his talk with his mother (III.iv), Hamlet shows his mother pictures of the brothers Hamlet and Claudius. Why else but to compare King Hamlet’s regal beard, "A sable silver'd (I.ii.241)," with Claudius’s lesser one, "..like a mildewed ear… (III.iv.64)."
Amid all the other stress in his life to this date, the pressure to have a good beard and live up to his father’s is great. He cracks under the stress. Why would he pretend to be insane to find his father’s killer? How would that help? No, he tells Horatio that he is going to feign an "antic disposition, (I.iv.172)" and convinces himself that he is merely pretending to be mad, to cover up for the fact that he obviously is going insane from the stress to grow a better beard than he is currently able to. Horatio notices it early on, referring to Hamlet as speaking "wild and whirling words (I.v.133)." In pretending to be mad, Hamlet slowly does go mad, culminating in the murder of Polonius. However, Hamlet becomes more or less totally sane again after his return from England — it follows that with Polonius dead, Hamlet has the best beard in Elsinore, thus making him able to live up to his father’s bearded legacy. The stress to have the best beard has been lifted off of Hamlet’s over-burdened shoulders, and his reason returns.
Alas, it is too late for Hamlet. By the time his much-vaunted bearded status comes, he is already soon to be a victim of the plot machinery his madness helped set in motion. He dies, and in his dying breath tells Horatio that the crown is to go to the Norwegian Prince Fortinbras. Thus, Fortinbras must have had a pretty impressive beard as well, which Fortinbras himself remarks upon, citing it as his right to the throne of Denmark. "I have some rights of memory in this kingdom, Which now to claim my vantage doth invite me (V.ii.354-355)."
The beard has long been associated with masculinity; as only the males of a species can achieve one. The pressure in a male-dominated society to prove one’s manhood is great indeed. However, besides Hamlet I can think of no great works of literature in which the fatal flaw of weak facial hair plays so central of a role.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Peterpanarchy
I am still in this phase where I look like I am still in my 20s, passably, and I can most easily relate to people in their 20s or late teens over the boring compromising hypocrites my age with their sad little hobbies and their domestic "bliss." And it's like one of those movies -- if I ever get out of that phase I will all of a sudden age those decades INSTANTLY -- and you'll be like, the revolution is happening, Noel, and I'll be like, oh no, what will that do to my 401k? Or, oh, I can't come to the communal melding of minds into one godlike being, guys, the wife says it's romantic movie night. But would you like to see some pictures of my kids while I drone on about every thing they do like it is seriously the most fascinating event in human history? I would hope someone would have the decency to put me down. I have done everything I could while I was younger to sabotage that future before it could happen by accident. Dropped out of college. Burned bridges. Drove away anyone dumb enough to want to mate with me. Drifted from shitty job to shitty job. No stability. No comfort. Which is what happens: they get comfortable and their minds shut off. And they get old.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Everyone Is Out To Get Me (a charming ditty)
everyone is out to get me
and i don't know what to do
everyone is out to get me
for what i've got no clue
everyone is out to get me
don't deny it's true
so are you
so are you
everyone is out to get me
and i don't know why
everyone is out to get me
'till the day i die
everyone is out to get me
and it ain't no lie
so am i
so am i
and i don't know what to do
everyone is out to get me
for what i've got no clue
everyone is out to get me
don't deny it's true
so are you
so are you
everyone is out to get me
and i don't know why
everyone is out to get me
'till the day i die
everyone is out to get me
and it ain't no lie
so am i
so am i
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