Time To Hate On Breast Cancer Awareness...

I feel like being inflammatory, so let's go to a topic that everyone seems to love this time of year: breast cancer. Why the fuck is breast cancer so important? Name another cancer that gets an "Awareness Month". Name another cancer that gets its own color.

And before you come in and tell me, Noel, did you forget that July is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, or, certainly you must know that chartreuse is the official color of Brain Tumor Awareness, or some other dumb facts you may pull out to back your argument up, allow me to make it clear that I could give a flying fig about the facts. All I'm saying is, if another cancer is as big-time and hoopledy-hoopla'd as breast cancer I must have missed it, because I never heard of it and I can't AVOID breast cancer awareness. The stupid Facebook memes about the bra colors. The special pink version of products. The pink ribbons. The entire fucking month of October. Just saying.

And why breast cancer? The most cynical hypothesis would of course be because it's the cancer that WOMEN get, angled just right to stimulate the save-the-princess section of the primate brain -- and then the reason why it's breast cancer and not ovarian cancer or the-gift-of-life cancer or always-right cancer is because men like breasts, breasts get their attention. Makes sense, in a cynical and awful way.

Except.

Because believe me, I already hear you revving up to dump a whole lot of boring facts and percentages on me. Lame! But I already KNOW that it's not just women that can get breast cancer. Men do too -- and not just fat guys with big floppy moobs, either, so you know it's real. But then... why is breast cancer singled out to be so fucking important?

Look, all I'm saying, because really I know breast cancer is a serious thing and right now I am in perilous danger of some breast cancer survivor chiming in with a creakily boring story of hope and inspiration who will make me look like I'm Darth Hitler for daring to doubt the serious nature of breast cancer -- all I'm saying is, lung cancer. Melanoma. Leukemia. Bad shit. They kill people too. Heart cancer. Did you even know heart cancer is real? Says here that it's rare -- but rare STILL HAPPENS. Bad shit. Where's Heart Cancer Awareness Month?

And then what about salivary gland cancer?

Colon cancer?

Retinoblastoma? I have no idea what that even is but it sounds pretty fucking hardcore. I wouldn't want to fuck around with some retinoblastoma, s'all I'm saying.