Do Not Enter (or, "It's A Marshmallow World")

So there I was, happily leaving Walmart with marshmallows for the hot chocolate. All in all it had been a painless visit to one of the most awful places on Earth, which in retrospect must have been divine foreshadowing.

And as I walked through the exit door through to the vestibule, approaching through the other side was the Rude family. Mr. Rude, Mrs. Rude and little Rudy Jr. The Rude family was attempting to ENTER through the same door I was trying to exit from. Or egress, if you prefer a fancy and slightly archaic vocabulary. Now the Rude family weren't merely trying to enter through the wrong door; a crime of mere social convention I commit frequently myself. No, they were determined to walk through the door side by side, BLOCKING the door from honest hard working citizens like myself who take it on good faith that they will be able to leave the building through the door marked "EXIT."

So of course I did what I always do when rude and inconsiderate people are in my way, I walked right up on them till I was about three inches outside their personal space and snarled, "excuse me." Shake your head and disapprove, but it is a surprisingly effective method of shaking the cattle from their stupor usually. In this situation a regular rude person would realize, "oh shit, we're blocking the entire door that this nice if somewhat intimidating man is trying to leave through," and step aside. Maybe even say "sorry."  A regular rude person would, perhaps. Mrs. Rude was having none of it. She stood her ground and said "excuse YOU," forcing me to dodge running directly into her at the last minute like a game of chicken and continue on.

Now, I'm not the most confident person out there, and Mrs. R's clear disgust at my behavior forced me to second guess myself. Maybe, I thought, it WASN'T the exit door? Maybe on THEIR side it said "enter" and I was the rude one. Why a door would say enter on one side and exit on the other, I don't know. But retail logic is an oxymoron and this was Walmart so... maybe? Why not? I second guessed myself, which I do all the time, and I stopped and I turned around and I saw how, from this side, the door had a big red sign that says "DO NOT ENTER." And again, not that I'm a big stickler for that convention, but in this case the woman and her Rude brood were clearly in the wrong. So I said, out loud, not even for them but just because I am an out loud motherfucker, "It says Do Not Enter," and kept walking.

"Hey big guy!" I heard from behind me, but kept walking. I exited the building proper for the bitter cold of the outdoors, and I was living in some Jack London novel in my head when Mr. Rude caught up with me. "Do you have a problem?" He asked, trying to sound intimidating and rough while keeping up with my pace. Based on his ridiculous little gray mustache I was easily 20 years younger than this guy. He must have wanted to impress his wife with what a man he was.

"No, no problem now," I said, tactfully not adding that I HAD had a problem with his cunty rude wife 45 seconds prior, and that they might have a problem with first grade level reading comprehension, but that now my only problem was getting the marshmallows into some hot chocolate stat.

"Do you want me to knock your head off?" Mr. Rude kindly offered.

I replied, without missing a beat or pausing my stride, "What would I do without it?" People never know how to take it when I react flippantly to their anger and threats. Truth told, I was ready to be hit. I wasn't worried. There were like fifteen cops at the entrance to Walmart and they would break up the fight before the guy fell and broke his hip. Worse thing that would happen is I would get hit in the head, and hell if he hit me in the right spot he might loosen up this one tense knot I have on my temples. But it didn't come to that. Cooler heads prevailed. The guy was out of the line of sight of his wife, so there would be no impressing her. Actually if he got the cops involved she would probably be pissed. And it was very cold out and windy. So they guy made this really frustrated sound like "ughn!" and went back inside.

Another tense situation I entered, and exited, because of my wit.

I left Walmart and had some delicious hot chocolate. Marshmallows included. Mr. Rude went home and had to spend the rest of his days sleeping in the same bed as some idiot illiterate middle aged hag. Pretty sure I took the win on this one.

STORE SCUM

To me "customer" is a bad word. If I could go the rest of my life without having to wait while some soccer mom haggles over the price while her annoying brood hold a contest to see who can scream the loudest and most blood-curdling -- If I could go the rest of my life without waiting for some inconsiderate asshole to finish balancing their checkbook at the checkout line -- If I could go the rest of my life without waiting for some ancient person to finish buying a year's worth of cat food with seemingly nothing but coupons -- If I could go the rest of my life without having to squeeze around some fat fuck who left their cart in the MIDDLE of the GODDAMN AISLE -- but I can't.

The Lazy Man's Nefarious Plan

Step One: Let everyone know you have a nefarious plan.

Step Two: Don't have any plan. Sit back and do nothing.

Step Three: Every so often, as events take their course, cryptically comment that everything is going according to plan.

Church!

There's people that actually, honestly believe there is a fairy-tale magic man with a beard in the sky watching their every move, and that if they don't all come together in a room once a week and let some guy read to them out of a book that's so old people didn't even know the world was round when it was written; that unless they pretend not to be bored during this weekly reading, that the magic beard man will throw them into flames FOREVER. Quaint, no?

The Other End Of History

Finally, as far as all of this goes -- the world affairs, the religious disputes, the toils of mankind at this day and age -- as far as all that, we are so early in the era of human history and development that the time will come that everything that is happening today will be as relevant and consequential as the tribulations of the early Cro-Magnons are to us now. And since all of time is happening at once, if these events WILL BE irrelevant SOME DAY, that day is now. They are completely irrelevant.

Many will listen, but few will hear.

People Are Morons

People are morons. It's pretty amazing that we're as smart as we are in comparison to other animals, true, but mostly it's frustrating that we're just smart enough to see that we're not smart enough. If people weren't morons, they wouldn't need to invent religions to keep themselves organized. If people weren't morons, they wouldn't need to invent governments and laws to keep them from raping and robbing one another. When you look at us as really clever chimps in clothes, our accomplishments are quaint and impressive. When you look at us as, quite possibly, the highest developed manifestation of intelligence in the universe, suddenly you get depressed. The next step is to invent a god that's smarter than you, so you don't have to be depressed anymore. And it all starts again....

I Don't Want To Hear About Your Fucking Kids

Stop acting like reproducing is some major achievement or accomplishment. It's not. It's a biological process, built in through billions of years of evolution. You yourself had barely anything to do with it. Hey, do you know what else is capable of reproducing its' species? EVERY OTHER FORM OF LIFE ON THIS PLANET. They ALL reproduce. Earthworms reproduce. Goldfish reproduce. Dogs reproduce... or they would, except we keep neutering them.

The Human Mind

Some people will kill for money.
Humans created money.
The human mind that is capable of creating money is more valuable than any sum of money can be.
Some people will kill for their country.
Humans created countries.
The human mind that is capable of creating countries is more valuable than any country can be.

On Current Events

I was going to write about how disappointed I was that Obama caved and produced his birth certificate. Stooping to enter an argument that is so ridiculous with people that dumb, even when you win, you lose. But before I could get off my procastination platform the news overtook my social commentary. We killed Osama bin Laden!

And by we, I mean, the United States military. Personally I had nothing to do with it. But still, what a win! Except, wait, the war's still going on. But anyway, forget that for a moment. What a great day to be an American! That man was a monster and committed atrocities. Except, oh, yeah, we armed and funded and trained him and set him loose on the world. But besides that, isn't it a proud moment that we... well, we could have brought him into custody and held him on trial for war crimes or whatever, and then executed him like what happened to Saddam Hussein. But instead we shot him in the head and dumped him in the ocean. Because THAT isn't exactly the same way they killed Jason Voorhees for like ten movies. So probably Osama is dead now. We identified him by DNA evidence. And then dumped him in the ocean.

So that in a few months, or whenever, when they need a bogeyman to keep the war going and fuel the military-industrial complex's fat coffers, they can trot Osama out again and claim he wasn't actually --

(Sounds of forced entry, scuffle and struggle.)

-- like I was saying, the royal wedding. Wasn't it like a REAL-LIFE FAIRY TALE?

The Political Spectrum Is A Polite Fiction

I always get very suspicious when people say "liberal this" or "conservative that" when both positions, politically and philosophically, are utterly fucking retarded. Liberals say everyone should be free to choose, but then they want to make you wear a bike helmet. Conservatives say they want less government, until gays want to get married, then they want laws against it. I don't think either side actually believes what they claim they believe. I think it is ancient primate clique-ish behavior with a new paint job so we can pretend we're not still chimps throwing shit at one another. So we can pretend we're civilized. I swear to god anarchy sounds better and better every day.