- Adrian Veidt
Okay. So let me make sure I understand this now. I'm a little slow on the uptake and I try not to pay attention to the news because it's a bit like being trapped in the primate house at the zoo. So bear with me as I recreate the facts here. Apparently, like ten years ago, certain elements, certain people who proclaimed to follow a specific religion, committed a devastating terrorist attack in New York City. I think maybe it happened in October or something? September? I'm a little hazy on the details. Now today, or recently rather, or whatever, some people that follow that same specific religion want to set up a place of worship two blocks away from where this attack happened. And there's some sort of controversy about this. Do I have the facts right? Good. So now we leave the world of facts and enter the world of opinions. And in my opinion this whole thing is ridiculous. No, I take that back. An elephant fucking a dachshund is ridiculous. I don't know what the fuck this is.
When I sat down to write this I was going to get all eloquent and explain in Mr. Smith Goes To Washington Jimmy Stewart style why this is the dumbest fucking controversy EVARRRR but the fact is I don't have the patience or the attention span, so instead here is another classic numbered list of bullet points.
- "Muslim" does not equal "terrorist."
Follow me through this cipher, folks. Same way "Christian" does not equal "Inquisitioner."Same way "American" does not equal "Stupid fat fuck." Yes, there have been Muslim terrorists. Bad scene. Don't approve. There have also been non-Muslim terrorists. Which brings us to number two...
- Timothy McVeigh was a Catholic
But if they were putting a cathedral a block away from the Alfred P. Murrah building, these same assholes talking about how "insensitive" and "bad taste" this mosque is wouldn't be making one fucking peep. Almost like the whole thing is a smokescreen for some stupid American fat fucks to display their racism and xenophobia without overtly branding themselves as stupid fat racist fucks.
- The First Amendment
Guarantees the right to worship. There is no asterisk after "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" that says "unless it's the same religion some terrorists claimed to follow." And do you know who wrote the First Amendment? The Founding Fathers. It is central to American values, so central to American values that you really can't have the one without the other. It'd be like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no bread. If you do not like the First Amendment, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY COUNTRY. If you want to live somewhere where there's no state-protected freedom of worship, maybe move to Iran, you unAmerican piece of shit.
- George W Bush said that the terrorists hate our freedoms.
So if you hate our freedoms, you're a terrorist. Q.E.D.
- I don't even understand why we have to waste our time on this.
I don't. Seriously. There are people dying out there. There are people starving, people suffering from illnesses that haven't been cured yet, people suffering from illnesses that could be cured but they can't afford it. People are in prison unjustly. People are being raped. People are being robbed. ACTUAL shit that ACTUALLY causes people to ACTUALLY suffer ACTUAL loss. And we're worried about whether or not a mosque is going to be "sensitive" or not?
- History is going to mock us for this shit.
Remember when we studied the Salem witch trials, or "Irish Need Not Apply," or the internment of the Japanese-Americans during World War II? We look back at that kind of stuff and we shake our heads. It's hard to believe people back then could be so narrow-minded, so trapped in their own tiny flatland world-views, so constrained by their own petty prejudices and biases. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL LOOK AT THIS. Me, always unfashionably ahead of my time, I already look at it that way now.
- Wait, no... seriously?
What the fuck does a mosque have to do with 9-11? Even if it IS insensitive, which I dispute, so the fuck what? Who gave you the right to go through life without having your feelings hurt or your sensibilities offended? Because believe me, if we were going to suspend Constitutional rights based on what I find offensive or insensitive, most of you would be spending the rest of your life in prison. But in a sane and just society, it takes a lot more than personal whim, even the personal whim of the majority, to upset the basic rule of law. So basically if you disagree fuck off and die.
- Newt Gingrich is a fucking moron.
I find it amazing that I should even have to point that out in this day and age. I find it amazing that Newt Gingrich is even still around or that people pay him any mind at all. But Newt Gingrich is a fucking moron. I know dude was like a college professor and he wrote some really awful novels so maybe he's not a retard but he is definitely a moron. I have an article here where he says that building a mosque by Ground Zero "would be like putting a Nazi sign next to the Holocaust Museum.” Except that it's actually nothing like that at all. You fucking moron. See, the Nazis were a specific group of people that specifically brought about the Holocaust. Muslims are a wide group of people, of all kinds, around the world -- some of whom specifically brought about the World Trade Center attacks. (I will avoid any Loose Change style debate on this point for the time being.) So really the proper analogy, Newt -- and seriously, what the fuck kind of name is Newt anyway? It's a lizard! -- would be like opening up a bratwurst stand next to the Holocaust Museum. Get it? You fucking moron? Because not all Germans are Nazis, and not all Muslims are terrorists. Note that I avoid the "You automatically lose the debate when you bring up the Nazis" argument, because....
- I'm Bringing Up The Nazis
Know who else didn't approve of free religious worship? I'm just saying.
- The Other Mosque
Did you know there's another mosque within spitting distance of Ground Zero? Been there since the seventies. Been there since before the World Trade Center was even put up in the first place, let alone knocked down. Now that's neither here nor there, the point is, there's been a mosque real close to the World Trade Center this whole time, and not one of you stupid fat fucks noticed or cared or worried about its "sensitivity" or whatever. So even if the argument made any sense (which it doesn't) it still wouldn't make any sense because THERE'S BEEN A MOSQUE IN THE AREA THE WHOLE TIME and no one made a big deal about it. Know why the rest of the world stereotypes Americans as a bunch of rude and ignorant fat-asses? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE ARE. Or rather, what you are. I barely even consider myself an American at this point.
- Stop the world, I want to get off
Instead of building a mosque next to Ground Zero, let's build a big space ship instead. Actually, it doesn't need to be that big. It really only needs to carry me. I am willing to concede this world to the rest of you stupid fat fucks. I can roam around the galaxy in search of higher intelligence, and you guys can call me when the Dark Ages are over. I'll be with Bill Hicks, waiting at the finish line. Chirp, chirp.
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