Fuck Saint Patrick's Day

Yes, I know, St. Patrick's day isn't for another week or so, but in honor of the bullshit-ass St. Patrick's Day Parade they had in Wappingers today that shut down all local traffic and made my commute home take like 45 minutes, here is once again my classic ode to that lamest of lame holidays:

FUCK SAINT PATRICK’S DAY

          You know what? St. Patrick wasn't even Irish. He was something else that I am too lazy to look up (or not -- he was Welsh) and was taken from his family by marauding hordes of Irishmen. Whether they were painted green history doesn't record but they were probably as drunk as the marauding hordes of Irish assholes getting all puffed up because it's getting to be St. Patrick's Day. You know what really pisses me off? When someone says "On St. Patrick's Day, everyone's Irish!" What an arrogant and presumptuous statement. What other holiday has the balls to be so culturally insensitive? Can you imagine it elsewhere? "On Yom Kippur, everyone's Jewish!" "On Earth Day, everyone's a hippie!" "On Nasmas, everyone loves Illmatic!" Name another cultural group that gets a special parade for their holiday.
          And I know, I know, the real reason St. Patrick's Day is such a crossover success is because it’s a reason to drink a lot. Who needs a reason? You want a reason to get stinking drunk? Try looking in the mirror and realizing that your entire life is a big fat lie. No, seriously, go try it. I'll wait. Tap tap tap. It's a sobering thought, isn't it? Shit, I think I'll have something to drink now too. Gulp, paranoid stare around the room.
          Fuck Saint Patricks Day, and fuck Irish Pride. You love Ireland so much? Go the fuck back, they got that potato problem fixed now. There's some guy shivering in a box right now who would love to take up your eco-social slot when you go back to the Motherland, and I'm sure he'd be proud to be an American unlike you, you ungrateful little shit. Yeah, you, I'm talking to you. No, not you, the bitch sitting next to you. Yeah, you, bitch, you. Whatcha gonna do about it? Huh? Huh?
          Goddamn I get belligerent while I'm drunk. Where was I? Oh yeah, fuck Saint Patricks' Day, and before you reply to disagree know that I already know what you're going to say and I think you're an idiot. Yeah, you, the fat kid in the back. You dumb fatso. I can read you like a book.