An Open Letter To The Fresh Crush Crew

Dear Fresh Crush Crew,
cc: Grand Wizard Bumble Bee Nice (Burgess Waxman)
cc: MC Chocolate Lover Larry (Elgin Lawrence)
cc: Cool Skee Bop (Darius Radcliff)
cc: DJ Redpack (Emil Bedford)

          I have to tell you, I am like your biggest fan ever! I mean, I know you guys must get that a lot, being the legendary old school hip-hop crew straight outta Buffalo, but I have to tell you that I really mean it.

          I have every vinyl single you ever released, including the rare radio station-only release of “Cold Bust A Party” with the photo of all four of you cheesing in Bumble Bee Nice’s barbershop imprinted right on the vinyl. Paid a pretty penny for it on eBay, and that’s no lie. Then last summer my friends and I hitchhiked to Buffalo for the weekend so we could walk the streets you guys walked on and rapped on. We even stopped by the mural on West Chippewa Street. That’s how hardcore of a fan that I am. I think you guys are great. After you broke up in 1983 is the day hip-hop died for me, and for other people as well. For years I would hear an artist or an MC and say, that guy’s alright, but the Fresh Crush Crew had crazy science.

          Now, I know you guys must hear this all the time, but when are you going to get back together? I think now that hip-hop is dead would be the perfect time for the four of you to come back together and bring it all back to life. Know what I’m saying?

          I have to admit, I have no idea what you guys are up to these days. For a while there was a Wikipedia entry for the Fresh Crush Crew which I took as a good sign since there were no other mentions of the Fresh Crush Crew anywhere at all on the Information Superhighway we call the World Wide Web. Then a few months went by and the entry was taken off. The wiki-douche who marked it for a speedy delete had these condescending remarks to make:

“[N]o claim of notability, they wrote a song, and dissed some folks. Not even Google has heard of them.”

          Can you imagine? What an awful epitaph for such a storied and historical career! Wouldn’t now be a good time to come back together like the Voltron of this shit and show the Wikipedia Thought Police what a bunch of clowns they are?

          In that vein, here are some thoughts I have on how the Fresh Crush Crew can become relevant again in the twenty-teens:

• Do a diss song about 50 Cent. These days, it’s practically a rite of passage for any rappers worth their salt. Plus I think that if you guys come with the same blistering wit and lyrical fury you had on your landmark diss record “Party Pussies” you will be getting bumped on iPods nationwide.


• Do a song with T-Pain. For some reason the kids love that off-key computer Auto-Tune sound. That’s why, after you do a song with T-Pain, you should go ahead and record a whole album worth of singing in T-Pain style.


• Invent a dance. Not like that time in 1979 when the Fresh Crush Crew adopted the Charleston as their official dance for six months in honor of your slain and fallen member Rodney “Rodney C” Carver. Come up with a new dance and make a song about it. The dance doesn’t have to be good, the song doesn’t have to make sense. The kids just like dances.

          I actually have much larger ideas and plans for the Fresh Crush Crew than merely a musical revival, including a biography, a film based on the biography, a tie-in videogame based on the movie, and an album release of the videogame soundtrack featuring all the classic FCC jams like “Disco Party Rap” and “My Man Rodney” re-recorded for the jaded ears of Indigo children. But for right now just getting back together at all would be a great first step towards your future, and mine.

          Oh, and reality TV too. Everyone loves that crap.

Sincerely,
Noel Rogers
ITC Talent Management Inc.